A guide to Musical Terms - (part 3)

Perfect Pitch: A wet muddy rugby/hockey field
Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to visit.
Quartet: a good singer, a bad singer, an ex-singer, and someone who hates singers, all getting together to complain about composers.
Relative Major: A cousin in the Army.
Ritard: There's one in every music group.
Scale: device for weighing the Alto section.
Score: Leaving with a cute chick.
Tonic: Medicinal liquid to be consumed before, during, or after a performance - usually with gin.
(Diatonic: This is what happens to some musicians.)
 (SuperTonic - Schweppes)
Transposition: The act of moving the pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for everyone else.
Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Triplet: One of three children, born to one mother very closely in time. If a composer uses a lot of triplets he has probably been taking a fertility drug.
Trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.